Unlocking the Power of Connect and Redirect in Whole Brain Parenting | Part 2

In the world of whole-brain parenting, Connect and Redirect stands out as a powerful strategy to transform challenging moments with your child into opportunities for growth and connection. By first acknowledging and empathizing with your child’s emotions and then guiding them toward logical problem-solving, you can help them navigate their feelings and develop resilience. Last week, I introduced the concept of whole-brain parenting, a concept I learned from the book The Whole-Brain Child. Today, we will dive deep into the first part of this technique, exploring how understanding your child’s brain development can enhance your ability to connect and redirect effectively. Let’s unlock the potential of Connect and Redirect to foster a nurturing and supportive environment for your child.

The Developing Brain

First, it’s important to remember that children’s brains are still developing. The upstairs brain, including the prefrontal cortex, won’t fully develop until your child is around age 25. A fully mature upstairs brain allows us to think through decisions before making them. It allows us to think logically. It helps with impulse control. This means your children will rely more on their downstairs brain, which includes the limbic system and brainstem. The downstairs brain is responsible for basic functions, instincts, and emotions like fear, anger, and excitement. Because of this, children are more prone to emotional outbursts and impulsive behavior because their capacity for rational thinking and self-control is still maturing.

Let that sink in for a minute.

This means when your child throws a massive tantrum because they can’t have a toy, it’s because their downstairs brain is in charge. They feel intense emotions and react instinctively without the calming influence of the upstairs brain. This also means that when your teenager decides to stay out past curfew without considering the consequences, it is because their upstairs brain isn’t fully equipped to manage impulses and see the outcome of their actions.

Understanding this developmental process will help you navigate these challenging moments with patience and empathy. Instead of getting frustrated or reacting harshly, you can remind yourself that your child’s brain is still growing. This perspective will allow you to respond more effectively.

When you recognize that your child’s emotional and impulsive behaviors are part of their natural development, you can create a supportive environment that fosters growth and learning. This tactic not only helps in managing immediate challenges but also aids in building a strong foundation for your child’s emotional and cognitive development.

The Anatomy Of The Brain

Right Brain vs. Left Brain

Right Brain: This hemisphere is responsible for emotions, creativity, and intuition. It helps us experience and express feelings. When a child is overwhelmed by emotions, such as fear or excitement, their right brain takes over, making it difficult to process information logically. For example, if a friend says something mean, your child might feel deeply hurt and react with tears or anger because their right brain dominates the situation.

Left Brain: This hemisphere handles logic, reasoning, and language. It is very analytical and helps us process information and solve problems. When the left brain is engaged, children can think more clearly and make decisions based on reasoning. For example, when a child is calm and using their left brain, they might plan their homework schedule or solve a math problem effectively.

Upstairs Brain vs. Downstairs Brain

Upstairs Brain (Cerebral Cortex): This area includes the prefrontal cortex, which is involved in complex thinking, decision-making, and self-control. It helps us plan, reflect, and regulate our emotions. When the upstairs brain is engaged, a child can think about the consequences of their actions, manage their impulses, and make thoughtful decisions. For instance, an older child using their upstairs brain might decide to walk away from a heated argument rather than escalate it.

Downstairs Brain (Limbic System and Brainstem): This includes the amygdala and the brainstem, which control basic functions, instincts, and strong emotions like fear and anger. The brainstem is reactive and operates on a more instinctual level. When a child’s downstairs brain is in control, they might react to a situation with immediate fear or aggression, such as running away from a loud noise or lashing out when frustrated. This instinctual response is crucial for survival but can lead to impulsive behavior when not balanced by the upstairs brain.

Introducing Connect and Redirect | Whole-Brain Parenting

Why It Matters

Children’s brains are still developing, especially the parts that help with decision-making and self-control. When your child has an intense emotional reaction, their right brain completely takes over. This makes it hard (if not impossible) for them to think logically with their left brain. Connecting with the emotion first tells your child that you understand how they are feeling; this connection will help them relax and shift to a more logical state of mind, allowing them to solve problems and think clearly. This method not only helps at the moment but also teaches your child important skills for managing their emotions and making good decisions in the future.

The Process

Connect with the Right Brain: When your child is experiencing intense emotions, it’s crucial to connect with their right brain first by acknowledging and validating their feelings. This crucial connection creates a sense of safety and allows your child’s emotional right brain to relax.

Redirect with the Left Brain: Once your child has calmed down and their emotions have been acknowledged, you can connect with their left brain (which is responsible for logic and problem-solving) and help them analyze the situation and come up with a solution.

Step-by-Step Guide to Connect and Redirect

Step 1: Connect with Empathy

Get Down to Their Level: When your child is upset, physically getting down to their eye level shows them that you are fully present and engaged. This simple act can greatly affect how your child perceives your attention and empathy. I prefer to kneel or sit down so that I am face-to-face with my kids. This non-verbal gesture communicates that you are there to listen and support them, making them feel seen and understood. It also reduces the unintentional physical dominance conveyed by standing over them, creating a more equal and comforting interaction.

Use Gentle Touch: A reassuring touch can provide significant comfort to a distressed child. Physical contact, such as a hug, holding their hand, or softly patting their back, can help. When one of my kids cries, I will place my hand on their shoulder or ask if they need a hug. This physical connection helps them feel safe and loved. It reinforces your presence and provides a tangible sense of support during their moment of vulnerability.

Acknowledge Their Feelings: It’s really important to validate your child’s emotions to help them calm down when they’re feeling upset. Acknowledging and naming their emotions can help them feel heard and accepted. This will help reduce the intensity of the emotion and open the door to constructive problem-solving.

“I can see this is really upsetting for you.”

“It’s okay to feel this way.”

“I see this puzzle is really challenging for you, and feeling frustrated is okay.”

Important Tip: Remember that empathy is about understanding, not necessarily agreeing. It’s okay to empathize with their feelings even if you don’t agree with their behavior.

Step 2: Redirect with Logic

Ask Questions: Engage your child’s logical thinking by helping them reflect on the situation. Ask open-ended questions that encourage them to think critically and develop solutions. For example, your child is upset because their tower of blocks fell over.

“What do you think we can do to make the tower stronger next time?”

Offer Choices: Providing choices will give your child a sense of control. It will also help them feel less overwhelmed by the situation. This will reduce their stress, allowing them to use their logical brain. Offer suggestions to choose from. Let’s say your child is frustrated about leaving the park.

“Would you like to walk home through the garden or the playground?”

“Do you want to read a book or draw a picture when we get home?”

Guide Problem-Solving: Walk your child through possible solutions and outcomes to help them understand how to navigate challenges logically. This step-by-step navigation helps solve the problem and teaches your child how to handle similar problems in the future. This helps build their independence and problem-solving skills. For example, your child spilled their juice, and now they are upset. You could guide and help them clean it up.

“First, we can get a towel to wipe up the spill. Then, we can pour a new glass of juice. What do you think about that?”

Tip

Keep your tone calm and supportive. The goal is to guide them, not to solve the problem for them. When you stay calm, you show your child how to handle stress gracefully. This helps soothe them and teaches them how to cope with difficult situations. By staying composed, you become a role model for your child, demonstrating effective ways to manage stress.

A Real-Life Example: The Broken Crayon

Scenario: Your child is having a meltdown over a broken crayon.

Connect

Get Down to Their Level: Kneel or sit down so you are at eye level with your child. This shows them that you are fully present and engaged.

Use Gentle Touch: Gently hold their hands or place a comforting hand on their shoulder.

Acknowledge Their Feelings: Say, “I see you’re really upset about the broken crayon. It’s okay to feel sad and frustrated.” This helps them feel understood and validates their emotions.

Redirect

Ask Questions: “What can we do to fix this? Can we use a new crayon or tape this one back together?”

Offer Choices: Provide options to give them a sense of control. “Would you like to color with a new crayon, or do you want to try taping this back together?”

Guide Problem-Solving: Help them think through the solutions. If they choose to tape the crayon, assist them in finding the tape and show them how to do it.

Conclusion

Understanding how different parts of the brain influence behavior and recognizing that children’s brains are still developing will help you respond more effectively to your child’s needs. The Connect and Redirect strategy offers a practical way to apply this knowledge. As you implement these strategies, you’ll find that you and your child grow in your ability to handle life’s ups and downs gracefully and composure. The parenting journey is filled with opportunities for connection and growth—embrace them with an open heart and a calm mind.

Stay tuned for my next post to explore the Name It to Tame It principle.

Resources

The Whole Brain Child on Amazon

The Whole Brain Child Workbook is also on Amazon

Dr. Daniel J. Siegel’s Website

Dr. Tina Payne Bryson’s Website

Positive Parenting Solutions

Child Development and the Brain on Amazon

Leah Parks with Nightingale and Willow is a Family and In-Home Newborn Photographer. She is based in Westfield, a suburb 20 miles north of Indianapolis. As a dedicated mother and educator deeply rooted in neurodiversity, Leah brings a wealth of experience and passionate advocacy to her work.